Category Archives: routine

Alone Time

Of all of the proposals I make about how to use your time as a mother, this one is going to sound the most insane and pie-in-the-sky: Get some time alone.

We are going to bend the definition of alone to make it a bit more reasonable.

Being Alone Together

Zander and I went to the park the other day. Quiet and breezy, he crawled around the plaza and explored the world. Grabbing onto the side of the fountain, he tries to pull himself up. He is learning to stand.

For my part, I stretch out on the ground and check on him every few minutes. He’s always in my peripheral vision.

But instead of scrolling through my feed, reading a book, or listening to a podcast, I am just there. Laying. Being alone, with my thoughts. No intrusion of other’s ideas.

We are there for a bit over an hour and then I head home. I feel so at peace when I walk in. I pick up my copy of Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport. I say thank you for finally making clear to me what’s been missing in my life.

The Importance of Solitude

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Albert Camus, my favorite philosopher, said: “In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”

Different figures throughout history have boasted the benefits of solitude, from Aristotle to Audrey Hepburn. They may say the practice boosts their creativity or mediates their sanity. East and West both agree that solitude is necessary for a well-lived life.

Modern science is, unsurprisingly, finding that this is the case.

When you spend time alone—not taking in the thoughts of other’s or meeting the expectations of your social group, you get a jumpstart to the parasympathetic nervous system. This is the rest-and-digest part of your nervous system. Lower blood pressure, slower heart rate, and more relaxed muscles are all signs that your parasympathetic nervous system has been activated.

You also have time to reflect and flex your insight muscle. Taking yourself out of the social context allows you to see how you are being affected and how you are affecting in a way that you wouldn’t be able to when you’re in the thick of it. When your brain is in input processing mode, whether the input is books, podcasts, or friends, it can’t do the hard work of figuring out who you are and what you’re here for.

Shocking!

In a study done by the University of Virginia, researchers found that a quarter of women and two-thirds of men who were involved in the experiment would rather be subjected to an electric shock than be alone with their thoughts.

We are losing our ability to be alone. We haven’t analyzed its value—or maybe, like the participants in the mentioned study, we’re afraid to spend time with our thoughts.

And if we are, we shouldn’t be surprised to find ourselves scattered, stressed, and burnt out.

Fancy Tech

Not being with my phone, I’d heard that. I knew you weren’t supposed to have it on you all of the time. But I forgot that books are another new-fangled technology that intrude sometimes on my solitude. And while I love phones, podcasts, and books, they aren’t as essential to the well-being of a human as blocks of quiet reflection sprinkled throughout the day and week.

Set an example for your children. Spend some time alone. Be bored. Teach them how to sit with boredom by not providing constant entertainment and noise.

While the perfect arrangement may not exist when you’ve got one kid strapped to you or four running around, make true solitude a priority. Go to the park without the phone. Ask the partner for a half an hour walk by yourself on Sunday. Find a way to make radical decompression part of your daily, weekly, or monthly ritual.

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Making the Hardest Parts Easier: Transitions from Big to Small

Daylight savings has become more confusing since giving birth. For as long as I can remember, I’ve run on industrial time. 6 o’clock is 6 o’clock, even if they have moved it an hour.

With a baby, though, I run on horticultural time. We follow the sun and the stars. I’m not sure when 7 o’clock is, but I know when the sun comes up. Everything in my schedule has been suddenly moved forward an hour. I was an early riser at 6:15 a.m. but now I’m a normal riser at 7.

My partner’s work schedule has changed to accommodate this weird quirk of certain industrialized nations. As have all of our activities.

This transition is frustrating like they all are.

Generating Energy

We transition several times a day from sleep to wake, from calm to calamity, from place to place. These can be very draining on our child and on us.

In High-Performance Habits, author Brendon Burchard details five things that effective people do better than the rest of us. He cites a ton of research on why these habits are so useful and gives you practical advice on how to implement them in your own life.

Of note today is habit number two. Burchard finds that extraordinary people generate energy.

Instead of letting their energy be leeched throughout the day, top performers find a way to create and retain as much as energy as possible.

In a revelation that will surprise no one, this means transitioning smoothly because people feel the most drained by adjusting. Things like:

  • Waking up in the morning
  • Leaving for work and school
  • Coming home
  • Bedtime

sometimes ask more of us than we feel we can give.

Giving Your Brain Space

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What extremely effective people have learned is how to transition gracefully. Regardless of how smart, fast, and competent you are, your brain needs time to switch tasks. You need time to organize your thoughts, to release your feelings, to re-center.

Try to find spaces and ways during your day to help your brain and body understand that one part of your day has ended and another one starting.

Do this for yourself and your child. While it might look different for the two of you, it is something you both need.

If you can recharge yourself before your child, you’ll be able to parent from the place that you want to.

Here are a few ways to give yourself a break and generate energy before trying to get kiddo up to speed:

  • Resetting the Room: Before leaving the room to move onto the next portion of your day, make sure everything is in the place you’d like it to be. This helps keep your house tidy, lets your brain know you are finished with that activity, can be used to prime the space for the next time you enter it.

As James Clear says in Atomic Habits, “Whenever you organize a space for its intended purpose, you are priming it to make the next action easy…Want to draw more? Put your pencils, pens, notebooks, and drawing tools on top of your desk, within easy reach. Want to exercise? Set out your workout clothes, shoes, gym bag, and water bottle ahead of time.”

By resetting the room to what you’ll need it for next, you are making you’re a transition easier for your future self, too.

  • Meditate: You do not need to set an alarm or open up 10% Happier. You don’t need to clear your mind or sit on a meditation pillow. All you need to do is give yourself a quick break. You can pick how many breaths you are going to take or pick a cue in your environment to decide how long to meditate for.

You might take ten deep breaths (inhale through the nose for two seconds, hold for two seconds, exhale through the mouth for four seconds.) Or you might think, “I am going to sit here and meditate until I hear a whimper of frustration from my toddler.”

  • Visualization: Take a moment to close your eyes. Picture a big To-Do list that you have written (or if you have one, walk over to it!) Check off what you’ve just accomplished.

Now, visualize yourself transitioning smoothly. You help your children wrap up       this portion of the day. You are successfully accomplishing the next thing on your list. You and baby are both contended, smiling, doing what needs to get done.

  • Movement: A big part of what you are doing when trying to transition is to release the built-up tension brought on by focus and labor. Movement will help get rid of some of this. You can do some simple stretching or ten burpees. Whatever suits your desires and abilities.

Staying in the Green

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Once you feel rejuvenated and ready to roll, then you can help transition your child.

When children don’t transition well, they often end up in the red zone (having a tantrum) or the blue zone (shutting down). If we can keep them in the green zone, the go-zone, the ready to grow, contribute, and explore zone, then their days will get easier. This is a habit they can bring with them into adulthood.

There are a few things you can do before transitions to help make them smoother, and some you can do when the change actually occurs.

Before a Transition:

  • Routine: We’re a big fan of routines here at Alert Authentic Mindful. Giving yourself and your children a routine makes life easier. For transitions, a routine means they have a loose idea about the structure of their day in their heads. This makes change and uncertainty easier to bear.

 

  • Nightly prep: Tell your child what is going to happen before the day comes. You know what is going to happen with your day. Why not clue them in on it?

 

You don’t have to detail each five-minute increment. X will happen, followed by Y. Think where the transition points are. That’s what they need to be aware of, not which toys they’re going to play with.

During a Transition:

  • Warnings: Give your child some time to prepare for changes. Keep in mind their developmental level. You can set an alarm, show them a clock, or tell them the series of events. “Soon, mom will stand up and get her purse, then…” You can also give your child some choice: “Pick one more thing to do before we leave this house/room/playground.”

 

  • Movement: Just like you, your child has been building up tension in their body while they participated in an activity. This could be from socializing, focusing, or using self-control to act appropriately in a setting. Movement can help to release some of that tension and prepare them for the next thing. You can ask them to join you for your stretches or burpees. Consider doing a special parent-child yoga pose help them feel connected to you during this rough time.

 

  • Connection: The name of the game when talking about discipline for children is connection. If you want them to follow your lead, they must feel like you are on their team. In order to do this, use or come up with a connection ritual. This can be something very simple like a 10-second hug which helps to soothe fears and releases serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin—chemicals that make us feel connected and happy. You can have a special kiss, a special dance, or a special song to feel in line with each other.

Mastering transitions will make your days significantly easier. Tweak any of these ideas to meet the specific needs of your family. Zander doesn’t need nightly prep—at 9 months old, he relies much more heavily on our routine. Some children actually do worse with a warning, seeing them as an opportunity to stop enjoying themselves right away and start complaining—in which case, maybe a quick sweep off the feet would do better.

Be aware of where sensitivities lie and hone your transition routine. With enough practice and forethought, going from one activity to the other over time will only become a problem when no one has had enough sleep.

 

 

 

How Busy Moms Can Make Time

Self-care sounds great to everyone. Of course you want to meditate. Of course you want to exercise. Of course you want to feel better.

Of course you can’t find the time.

More often than not, people don’t make changes until they really need to. I am lucky because I need to do these things. I have watched my depression and anxiety take away my ability to leave the house. I have watched them destroy the love someone had for me. I have watched them fault-find me to the point where the only thing I could see in myself was brokenness.

My biggest fear is that I will pass those tendencies onto my children, have my family suffer through my struggle with them, and slowly poison my relationship.

Because I have seen myself at my worst and she is so small and in such incredible pain, I know that I have to be vigilant.

This may not be the case for you.

So for you, it is hard to find time.

“Necessity is the mother of invention”

My need does not manifest additional hours in the day or a child who needs my attention less. The demand forces me to find a way to find the time. With one child it may be easier (or harder, depending on who you talk to or what age they are!), but it is possible for everyone to make time for themselves.

Here are a few ways to find the time and energy you need to practice self care. I did not invent these ways or even perfect them. I just use them and I think they could help you.

At the end, I’ll go through some common objections.

Routines

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This is by far the most important. We thrive on habits. Doing the same things over and over again at the same time doesn’t just save time and energy. Repetition and predictability lend a hand to emotional regulation. Too much stuff, too many choices, and moving too fast sap you of time, vigor, and will power.

When we have routines and habits, we no longer have to decide whether or not we are going to do something. The decision is already made for us. This brings you into automaticity, offloading a huge cognitive burden. You don’t have to think about turning off the lights and locking your door when you leave the house. You want more things in your life to happen with the same ease.

I am going to go through my schedule with you and then try to prompt you to think about your own.

Daily schedule: Each morning, I feed Zander when he wakes up and spend about 40 minutes doing The Miracle Morning. He’s only 6 months old. Partially personality and partially training, Zander has come to expect a lot of alone time when he wakes up. I set him up with one open ended toy and get to work.

Near the end of my TMM, baby boy starts complaining a bit. That’s okay because now it is his turn to have a story. We read one of his three books.

After story time, we do morning pick up and throw the diapers in the wash.

Zander starts complaining because it is time for some rest. We have the routine of taking a one mile walk to get him the first nap of the day. If I try to stay in the house, he cries a lot. “This isn’t how the day goes, Mom!” he seems to say. On cold or lazy days, routines may feel like they work against you.

We get back from our walk and baby stays asleep. I usually work for about an hour. Zander wakes up, eats. I have my breakfast. We hang the diapers to dry.

It is about 9 or 10am and I haven’t thought at all yet. I haven’t made one decision. But I have already done yoga, meditated, walked, read, journaled, cleaned, done laundry, spent time-in with the baby, and had breakfast.

After that, we often have something outside to do depending on the day of the week.

Whenever that is finished, around 2 or so, there is prep work for dinner. Then there’s some flexible downtime. Between 4 and 5 o’clock, it is time to start cooking.

We basically do this every day.

What things can you do at the same time, in the same way, every day? Is there always picking up that needs to be done? Are there car rides? Is there a time when everyone gets grumpy and needs to slow down?

Weekly schedule: For my family, we have Free Forest School on Monday and Friday mornings. Monday afternoon is grocery shopping. Thursday mornings, we take a 3-to-4 mile walk with a friend. We do a workout with a friend every Tuesday morning. Saturday is laundry day. Sunday is our day with Dad.

Currently, the other days of the week are “empty.” We might add in one more activity day but we will always have an at-home day scheduled.

What things can you do at the same time, in the same way, on a particular day of the week? Do you have a story time at your local library? Do you have a chapter of Free Forest School in your area? Any friends who might like to meet you every Thursday at the same park at 9am?

Monthly/Quarterly schedule: These larger rhythms can be an anticipated and understood as part of your regular rhythm.

You might have Family Board Meetings, a day when dad watches the kids and you get a massage, or date night. Schedule it regularly.

How many meals does your family really eat? Stop guessing which ones you are going to make and just plan to do Taco Tuesdays or Chicken-and-rice every third Thursday of the month. You don’t have to do all of the meal prep (although maybe you do, and maybe you can do it as a family every Friday). Just simplify your grocery shopping and cooking habits. Maybe plan Spontaneous Saturday where you make something new.

Once these things are scheduled and routine, you no longer have to figure out whether or not you’re going to do them. It is already decided. This keeps your kids calm, too. We prefer familiarity—it makes us comfortable. This preference is called the mere-exposure effect in psychology. When things are routine and familiar, our stress lowers. Predictability makes it less likely for you or your kid to fly off the handle.

Review Your Time

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By our nature, humans think things take them way less time than they actually do. We say we will be ready in ten minutes but we’re nowhere to be seen for twenty. If you cannot see it in yourself, you surely have a sister, husband, or child who does this.

Try to take note of how you’re actually using your time. Download Moment or QualityTime on your phone and see how much time you spend staring at your phone. Though you feel like you aren’t on your phone often, a few minutes every hour adds up quickly. Delete apps that suck up time.

Use a timer for a day or two. How long do you actually take to get stuff done?

Make a list of how you want to use your time. Make a list of how you use your time. Compare the two and adjust.

Arguing with your kids is another article, but figure out whether you care about the argument of are still defending your time on principle.

I had to delete Facebook, Facebook messenger, and Pinterest off of my phone. I also had to cut way down on streaming 30 Rock from my phone.

I don’t think all “mindless” time is bad. I still do love watching my shows and I give myself time to do it. I just try to do it less.

Plan Your Days

This could maybe go under routine, but deserves a second category because not all plans are routines and routines don’t take up our whole day.

Figure out what you’re going to do each day. A lot of people feel like the best way to do this is to make a goals list the night before. That way, when you wake up in the morning, you already know what you have to do. I’ve heard of people planning their day down to the half hour.

I am pretty relaxed in comparison. I jot down all of the non-routine things I want to do for the day on a little notepad. I don’t write “make dinner” because of course I am going to make dinner. Things like sweep floors, work on Mark’s project, respond to best friend’s messages are listed. I don’t schedule times for them but maybe you should. Think about your own preferences, how well you go-with-the-flow.

This also helps offload the cognitive burden of remembering things. The less things swirling around in your head, the more present you can be. Maybe you can remember everything you have to do today. But why would you when you don’t have to?

Sleep

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Do you know what gives you more time in the day? Sleeping more. Using time to gain time seems counter-intuitive but in this particular case, it is true. Being under-rested takes up a huge amount of your time (and obviously, energy).

Losing just two hours of sleep nightly hinders your thinking and memory. It also makes you more likely to get into a car accident (and I’m guessing, many other kinds, like dropping-the-jar-and-having-to-clean-up-the-mess-accidents). You take longer to heal from illness and injury. Your will power is depleted. You gain weight. You give in when you should have held your ground.

Being sleep deprived makes you unable to tell that you’re sleep deprived. You’re kidding yourself if you think you’re doing well on 5 hours of sleep—something unhealthy has become your normal.

What does getting enough sleep look like?

For me and my 6-month-old who co-sleeps and breastfeeds on demand, getting enough sleep means getting in bed at least 10 hours before I expect to wake up. If we are sick, teething, or going through a developmental milestone, 12 hours.

Objections

Q: I am a free spirit. I don’t want to schedule everything!

Do you know the part about being a free spirit that sucks? Being emotionally volatile. If your spirit is caged by having a plan at 3 p.m. on Saturdays, how free is it?

Q: I’ve tried building routines but they just keep falling apart.

On average, it takes 66 days to develop a new habit. That means it stops being so hard after about 2 months. How long have you tried?

If you have given it your all, consider who you are trying to build schedules and routines with. Maybe those people you deeply care for are better spur-of-the-moment friends.

Q: My kids will be bored always doing the same things.

My answer to this is twofold. First: What is wrong with boredom? Boredom can trigger very imaginative play.

My second answer is that they won’t be. Even if you scheduled most of your time, if that schedule includes a good deal of unstructured, free time—at home day, Free Forest School day, day at the park– your child is going to get a huge amount of variety. Just as your kid enjoys hearing the same story, so they will enjoy going to the same places. Life has a huge amount of variety on offer without us having to go out of the way to create it.

Please like and share this post.

What objections popped up in your mind while reading this? Please leave a comment. I would love to help you jump over that hurdle.

Valuing Your Time

Valuing Your Time: SAHM Edition

There’s a trick in the business world moms would benefit from using: learning how to value our time.
I mean putting an actual dollar amount on your time.
Why?
So you can look at that number and know what is worth doing. You will find a lot of tasks are better to outsource it or not do at all.
We all value our time. We have a dollar amount that we’re willing to work for. If someone offered you $2 to sweep a floor, you would say no. If they offered you $2,000, you would immediately say yes.
Motherhood is not a job. We illustrating how to think about our time, not how to think about motherhood.

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The Math

Let’s look at the numbers.
Estimates for how much a stay-at-home mother would make vary widely, but they’re all pretty high. The first one that pops up on Google places a stay-at-home mom at $162,581 a year. This includes all of the jobs that she does: house cleaning, child care, dietitian, groundskeeper.

Judge and plumber.

Hours

This was specifically what I argued against in my article. But there ae many areas where mothers can learn from the business world. Leadershipis one. Valuing our time is another.

So, how much doesan average stay-at-home-mom work?

Most estimates put the workload at about 97hrs/week, meaning that she works about 5,044hrs/year. $162,581 / 5044 gives us about $32/hr.

Is this number accurate for everyone? No. I don’t know who it’s accurate for. But let’s use it to demonstrate.

Outsourcing

One thing that this could mean is that it’s worth it for you to outsource some of your housework. If somebody is willing to come by for an hour a day at $10 an hour, that saves you money.

It could mean that waiting half an hour in line for a gift card doesn’t make sense. It could mean that cutting coupons doesn’t make sense. It could mean that it makes more sense for Instacart to get your groceries.

All of those are directly financially related. A lot of families, my own included, can not outsource all of this work. That’s fine. It does not detract from the usefulness of this calculation.

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Other Uses

One of the things that this calculation should inform you of is whether or not you should go back to work. How much is that going to pay? Is it worth more than what you are donating to your family?
It could mean that you divvy out your social time differently. If you are trying to decide whether or not to spend time with your mother-in-law, think:
Would I be happy to pay somebody more than $32/hr to do this for me?
If the answer is yes, maybe send her a $60 gift instead to show you are thinking of her.
Would I pay more than $32 an hour to avoid the fight not visiting her would cause?
The math gets tricky.
This number isn’t set in stone, and in reality, we value our hours different. The purpose is just to start giving you a rough idea of how to think of your time. If you feel too busy, there are a few things causing that.
One of them is not getting into the flow of habits.
But the other one is wasting your time and not focusing on the things that you really value.
Maybe you value your time at $50 an hour. Maybe you value at $10 an hour. Whatever it is, decide a number. Decision making will become easier, especially at the margins.

SAVERS and CHARMS

Each morning for several months now, I perform my SAVERS.

This is an acronym created by Hal Elrod that spells out things you need to do in your routine each morning to be at your best—to have your Best Day Ever. I have spoken about Hal Elrod on this blog before. I really enjoy his energy, and find his podcasts interesting. He has guests on to discuss family and business life.

I am a strong believer that a lot of work that applies to business and leadership also applies to the family.

SAVERS Stands For:

S- Silence: Sitting in prayer or meditation

A – Affirmations: Stating your goals and knowing you can accomplish them

V- Visualization: Visualizing the path to success

E- Exercise: This one is pretty self-explanatory

R – Reading: Take a glance at some kind of self-help or self-development book or article

S- Scribing: A word used for writing, because SAVERW didn’t look as good. This usually means journaling.

I think the way that visualizations and affirmations are done in this routine are far better than any I have heard of before. Visualization should not just be the end goal, but the process of getting there. Affirmations should not be passive–”Money flow to me”–and they should not lie–”I am rich.” Instead, they should be goals, with details on how to reach them, and the confidence that you can.

My TMM

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For instance, one of my morning affirmations is:

“I am worthy and capable of creating the life that I want. I have all the tools that I need to be an excellent mother. I will respond sensitively to my son’s cues. I will raise him to have balance, resistance, insight, and compassion. I will do this by helping him to identify his emotions in his body, helping him see them in others. I will be an emotional coach. I will create a secure attachment. I will be the calm in his storm.”

I have others for being an excellent partner, making friends, being a blogger, being fit, creating a warm home environment, etc.

On an ideal day, I do 20 minutes of yoga each day, followed by visualizations and affirmations. Then I do 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation. I do a bit of gratitude journaling, and then write my daily goals and evaluate the previous day’s successes and shortcomings. a few minutes of gratitude journaling. I usually read a parenting, self-development, or entrepreneurship book.

Some days are less perfect. I wake up tired and feeling lousy. I put my son on my chest and do 5 minutes of loving-kindness meditation so I can forgive myself. I get up and stretch. I close my eyes while I picture my future, and say my most important affirmation—the one about being a mother. I read one page of a book, write down 3 things I’m grateful for, and get started with my day.

Some days are completely wonky and it takes me all day to finish my mourning routine.

Difficulties and Energy

It is hard for me to overstate how much better my life feels since I began doing this. I love having made a habit of it, and I have more energy each day. I started while I was 38 weeks pregnant because my energy levels were quickly declining, and I was so pleased with the results that.

Since then, I started my blog, have lost all of my pregnancy weight and more (four-month postpartum), made friends with new people—which I had avoided doing for the year previous in my new location—and began freelance writing.

I have remained calm and energized through all of the struggles of new parenting. My son is on his four-month sleep regression, so I haven’t slept for more than two hours straight for over three weeks. But I feel fine.

Right after I finished doing the laundry, he pooped on the bed when I was changing him. I could breathe.

He wants mom and mom alone, all of the time right now. I can appreciate this short season of his life—even if it is sometimes a bit exhausting!

This is everything I wanted out of parenting, and I give partial credit to The Miracle Morning.

CHARMS

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TMM has many spin-offs to help different people in different areas of their lives, whether it is writers, entrepreneurs, or millionaires. Lindsay McCarthy created The Miracle Morning For Parents and Families

In it, she details a miracle morning routine more suited to children. Her daughter was three and her son was seven when they started the routines. Some people say that they have started with their two-year-olds.

Instead of the SAVERS, though, children perform CHARMS.

CHARMS stands for:

C – Creativity: Let your children engage each morning in some kind of creative activity. Whether that is drawing, painting, or playing instruments.

H – Health: This includes exercise, with an emphasis on diet. I think this HIIT workout for children is a great way to teach them exercise. Exercise and diet both contribute to our well being and ability to regulate emotions.

A – Affirmations: A child doesn’t have to be as specific in their goals. Help them think of ways that they like to be. “I am going to be helpful today by cleaning toys up with my sister,” or “I am going to be brave today by trying a new thing.”

R – Reading: Reading as a family is an amazing experience and one that is highly correlated with academic success. Try to carve out some time to read as a family. Older children may enjoy reading by themselves.

M – Meditation: This combines visualizations and silence. Some children might enjoy sitting and meditation. But many will not. Consider telling your children a calming story while they keep their eyes closed and picture it. Listen to the Peace Out podcast if you aren’t much of a storyteller yourself.

S – Service: Be of service to others. This could be doing chores (which Lindsay calls Family Contributions) or any other way your children or you can come up with that involves meeting the needs and desires of others.

You need to make this fun for your children, not a chore. Playfulness keeps children interested. It is also their primary way of learning, especially under seven-years-old. It can’t be something that mom and dad force on their kids.

The SAVERS and CHARMS will set you and your children up for The Best Day Ever so that you can have The Best Lives Ever.

Family Board Meeting

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There’s a well-known rule in the business world and in economics called the Pareto Principle—the 80/20 rule. It means that 80% of your results come from 20% of your effort.

This is something that is hard to integrate into our daily lives. It is easy to believe that all of our marginal decisions and extra efforts are making a difference.

But this is a lie.

Too Close To Call

In fact, there are only a few things that we do in any arena of life that are getting us results.

We stress and strain over minor decisions and actions that don’t matter much. We spend time trying to figure out whether this or that is the best. It’s so close–too close to call. What if you make the wrong decision?

It won’t be the wrong decision.

Most of the time, it will be an inconsequential decision.

Get clear, in each part of your life, on the 20% of things that you are getting the most of your results from. Think about this in terms of your relationships, as well as your work life. Think of it in terms of your exercise. Think of it in terms of you diet. Think of it in terms of your routines.

With our children, there is an effective strategy to employ that will get us big results.

It will matter much more than which gift you get them, how many mortgages you pay, or the time spent lounging together.

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Family Board Meeting

That is the family board meeting strategy. It’s a concept in the book of the same name by Jim Sheils.

Here’s the main idea:

In the business world, there are board meetings that are conducted quarterly—once every three months. Everyone connects with each other, often face to face, to see where all lines are leading and to make sure they’re going in the same direction.

Have a board meeting with each member of your family, every three months.

Here are a few guidelines:

1) One-on-one: Every three months. This is possible, no matter the size of your family. Being paid attention to, without any distractions, creates a different kind of bond—one that allows each person to feel seen.

2) No technology: No distracting people, no distracting things. Playing video games and watching TV together may have its place, but this is about paying attention to each other.

That is impossible if mom, dad, daughter, or son are checking their phone every few minutes.

3) Four-Hours: Once a quarter, for each family member.

As the author of this book often reminds people, you only have eighteen summers with your children.

When we get together, we need to decompress before we can do things shoulder-to-shoulder in a truly connected way.

4) Freedom: Try to give as much freedom as possible to your children in deciding what to do. There are limits to what is possible, but take their preferences into heavy consideration.

Eighteen Summers

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Eighteen summers. Then they’re adults, and they can decide how much they want to see you.

How are you going to use that time?

What sorts of things do you think will build a loving, trusting relationship that keeps them interested and engaged with you now, and long into the future? Are you doing those things? Or are you hoping that all the tiny things that you do, the unseen things, the lower 80% things, will add up to the big results you’re hoping for?

Having routines and rhythms in our lives is one of the best things that we can do for ourselves. It allows us to be more mindful. It allows us to schedule our priorities, rather than bumble through and hope we get to them.

Keeping the Pareto principle in mind will help you be a productive, focused person, rather than a busy one. It will allow you to stop worrying if you make the right, tiny decisions, because you’re making big, intentional ones with results.