The Perfect School

Imagine the perfect school for your child.

Teacher Enthusiasm

Each class is tailor-made to your little one’s interests and abilities. Though the teachers don’t know everything—because nobody can—they are happy to teach your child how to find the information they need. Even better, they are willing to go the extra mile by helping them reach out to those in the community who would better be able to help your kid answer their questions.
The school is small and does not have a lot of facilities but what they lack in funds, they make up for in enthusiasm. They use the interests of the children to plan field trips—sometimes close, to a local pond with a pocket microscope to see the organisms living in the water near the banks; sometimes far, to an art museum cities away for an exhibit showcasing the work of kids your child’s age who have honed their craft.

Deep Caring

You rest easily at night because you know the teachers care deeply about the well-being of your little one. They know the dietary restrictions, the likes and dislikes, the attitude changes. You know that to the best of their ability, they are always responding sensitively to your child’s cues.
This means that when your kid starts to get overwhelmed, they are given a chance to take a breath and calm down. Maybe the teacher has even given them a secret sign so that when other children and adults are around and their heads start to feel a bit too busy, the two of them are able to communicate without risking any embarrassment. There are never punishments; only discipline–a teacher helping a child to build skills when they lose control of their emotions.

Real World Skills

Classes are mix-aged and different students show up on different days depending on their interests. The teacher often stands back and lets kids handle their own disputes. You are always shocked to see how gentle the older students are with the younger; how they want to protect and care for the smaller ones in the group, rather than take that opportunity to bully and show their strength as you remember in school.
Teachers help your little one learn skills that will actually serve them in life by including them in the daily running of the school. While a child may learn what the capital of Idaho is, they are also learning some more fundamental skills: how to balance expenses and income, how to cook a basic meal, how to contribute to a community, and how to cope with failure.

Engrossment

Your favorite thing about the school is that the teacher’s give your child time to delve deeply into subjects that interest them. Instead of being shuffled from one class to another every 40 minutes, breaking their focus as soon as they get the time to settle in, your child is allowed to spend days, weeks, and months on whatever most keenly interests them.
And time spent outside? So much of it. Again, the facilities aren’t great—actually, they don’t have any at all. No baseball field, no tennis court, no trees to climb. But the teachers all know the research and make it a point to take field trips to local parks frequently or just let the kids burn steam off in the front yard.

The Cost

The student to teacher ratio is perfect. 1:1.
How much would a school like this cost?
If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m talking about homeschool. All of this (and more) is possible when you teach your own. You don’t have to be a genius or a certified teacher—actually, famous educational philosopher John Holt says a degree in education would be a detriment. You need the desire to do well by your kids and a bit of resourcefulness.
How much does it cost?
The math is tricky. Tuition is on a sliding scale.
How much do you make?
How much would you pay to watch your child grow up and discover the world?
To me, it is priceless. We will make the sacrifices necessary so that our son can educate himself instead of having schooling be done to him.

Please join us in the Alert Authentic Mindful Group for a 21-Day Inner Strengths Challenge.

How to HEAL (With a Challenge)

Hardwiring Happiness


Hardwiring Happiness is a book about taking your everyday experiences and using them to build inner strengths. When you have certain characteristics like self-compassion and curiosity, you can call upon them during times of frustration and difficulty–but more importantly, they serve you well in everyday moments. Learning to appreciate the small things your partner does, pulling back on an argument with your child, and taking courageous steps towards accomplishing your goals all become easier when you have a wealth of inner resources.

How it Works

If you have a passing familiarity with pop neuroscience, you know the phrase “neurons that fire together wire together.” Your brain is an association machine and when we make associations, we learn. In his book, Dr. Rick Hanson calls upon you to use the brain’s knack for association to resource yourself–to H.E.A.L. the parts of yourself that are wounded and thrive in your daily life.

Metta meditation asks you to cultivate compassion. You do this by focusing on your heart, repeating the same phrase, and being aware of what compassion feels like in the body. The sustained attention to the emotion helps it grow and fill you up.

Hardwiring Happiness is asking you to apply the same general practice to your other inner strengths.

(In the Alert Authentic Mindful Group on Facebook, we are doing a 21-day challenge inspired by Dr. Rick Hanson’s book. Hardwiring Happiness. Please join us!)

Why You Should Do It

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Dr. Hanson spends the first part of the book going over some of the science and answering the question Why we want to learn the skills he is going to teach us in the second half of the book.

Our brains have a negativity bias. This is in our evolutionary past *not* noticing a pretty flower is okay; *not* noticing a tiger means death. Hardwiring Happiness is not about ignoring tigers. There are and always will be negative things in our lives that we need to pay attention to–and actually, some experiences that feel bad are good for us in the long run.

That does not mean that we should ignore the positive or leave it to our brains to notice it. We want to help our minds pay attention to the lightness and the dark–to quit giving undue attention and power to the negative.

The Human Default

Our world is vastly different today than in our evolutionary past. For our ancestors, serious stress was related to serious stress. Tigers, fear of banishment, and snakes. Sadly, our brains cannot tell the difference between these very real threats to our lives and too much traffic on the highway. We have so many stressors today, including but not limited to the intense and frequent technology stress that we get from renewing our Facebook page. Stress reactions used to be occasional but they are now frequent. Our bodies are now in a constant state of reactivity which is not good for our health, mental or physical.

Responsiveness, as opposed to reactivity, used to be our norm. There weren’t lions around every corner. In social situations, we were less knee-jerk and more of the present and open.

This book will help give you the tools to return to that state or responsiveness by paying attention to the positive around us and turning mental states into neural traits by helping strengthen the bonds between neurons that focus on the beneficial in your daily life.

The Method

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Follow this simple acronym: HEAL

H: Have an experience

E: Enrich

A: Absorb

L: Link

Have an experience: This is the easy part. This month, some experiences will just crop up during the course of your day; some you might have to create for yourself.

Enrich: Think of moments when you naturally feel complete. People often have them on vacation or during the holidays–they look around at their family members and their surroundings and are overwhelmed with gratitude.

You can create this kind of feeling by taking time out of your day to enrich positive experiences. While it may not envelop you in the way it does when it comes naturally, you can make it a much bigger part of your life.

Absorb: This step will often happen at the same time as enrich. As you are making the experience bigger and more embodied, visualize it sinking into you. Maybe you like the idea of gold dust sinking into your center; or maybe you want to picture electricity pulsing in your brain and creating your experience. Whatever it is, try to make the beneficial feeling more apart of you.

Link: One of the reasons that our memories of the past are so bad is because each time we recall them, we can modify them. We can use this little quirk of our brain to heal parts of us that are hard to handle.

When you “link,” you hold the positive experience in the forefront of your mind and call up a negative experience–holding it on the sidelines. Over time, this will gradually make those parts sting less.

HEALing is not about denying the negative in our lives, just paying the beneficial its due. 

(Please join us! We are already on day 4 of our challenge!)

If you have the time, listen to Dr. Rick Hanson go over some of the concepts on his podcast.

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How Busy Moms Can Make Time

Self-care sounds great to everyone. Of course you want to meditate. Of course you want to exercise. Of course you want to feel better.

Of course you can’t find the time.

More often than not, people don’t make changes until they really need to. I am lucky because I need to do these things. I have watched my depression and anxiety take away my ability to leave the house. I have watched them destroy the love someone had for me. I have watched them fault-find me to the point where the only thing I could see in myself was brokenness.

My biggest fear is that I will pass those tendencies onto my children, have my family suffer through my struggle with them, and slowly poison my relationship.

Because I have seen myself at my worst and she is so small and in such incredible pain, I know that I have to be vigilant.

This may not be the case for you.

So for you, it is hard to find time.

“Necessity is the mother of invention”

My need does not manifest additional hours in the day or a child who needs my attention less. The demand forces me to find a way to find the time. With one child it may be easier (or harder, depending on who you talk to or what age they are!), but it is possible for everyone to make time for themselves.

Here are a few ways to find the time and energy you need to practice self care. I did not invent these ways or even perfect them. I just use them and I think they could help you.

At the end, I’ll go through some common objections.

Routines

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This is by far the most important. We thrive on habits. Doing the same things over and over again at the same time doesn’t just save time and energy. Repetition and predictability lend a hand to emotional regulation. Too much stuff, too many choices, and moving too fast sap you of time, vigor, and will power.

When we have routines and habits, we no longer have to decide whether or not we are going to do something. The decision is already made for us. This brings you into automaticity, offloading a huge cognitive burden. You don’t have to think about turning off the lights and locking your door when you leave the house. You want more things in your life to happen with the same ease.

I am going to go through my schedule with you and then try to prompt you to think about your own.

Daily schedule: Each morning, I feed Zander when he wakes up and spend about 40 minutes doing The Miracle Morning. He’s only 6 months old. Partially personality and partially training, Zander has come to expect a lot of alone time when he wakes up. I set him up with one open ended toy and get to work.

Near the end of my TMM, baby boy starts complaining a bit. That’s okay because now it is his turn to have a story. We read one of his three books.

After story time, we do morning pick up and throw the diapers in the wash.

Zander starts complaining because it is time for some rest. We have the routine of taking a one mile walk to get him the first nap of the day. If I try to stay in the house, he cries a lot. “This isn’t how the day goes, Mom!” he seems to say. On cold or lazy days, routines may feel like they work against you.

We get back from our walk and baby stays asleep. I usually work for about an hour. Zander wakes up, eats. I have my breakfast. We hang the diapers to dry.

It is about 9 or 10am and I haven’t thought at all yet. I haven’t made one decision. But I have already done yoga, meditated, walked, read, journaled, cleaned, done laundry, spent time-in with the baby, and had breakfast.

After that, we often have something outside to do depending on the day of the week.

Whenever that is finished, around 2 or so, there is prep work for dinner. Then there’s some flexible downtime. Between 4 and 5 o’clock, it is time to start cooking.

We basically do this every day.

What things can you do at the same time, in the same way, every day? Is there always picking up that needs to be done? Are there car rides? Is there a time when everyone gets grumpy and needs to slow down?

Weekly schedule: For my family, we have Free Forest School on Monday and Friday mornings. Monday afternoon is grocery shopping. Thursday mornings, we take a 3-to-4 mile walk with a friend. We do a workout with a friend every Tuesday morning. Saturday is laundry day. Sunday is our day with Dad.

Currently, the other days of the week are “empty.” We might add in one more activity day but we will always have an at-home day scheduled.

What things can you do at the same time, in the same way, on a particular day of the week? Do you have a story time at your local library? Do you have a chapter of Free Forest School in your area? Any friends who might like to meet you every Thursday at the same park at 9am?

Monthly/Quarterly schedule: These larger rhythms can be an anticipated and understood as part of your regular rhythm.

You might have Family Board Meetings, a day when dad watches the kids and you get a massage, or date night. Schedule it regularly.

How many meals does your family really eat? Stop guessing which ones you are going to make and just plan to do Taco Tuesdays or Chicken-and-rice every third Thursday of the month. You don’t have to do all of the meal prep (although maybe you do, and maybe you can do it as a family every Friday). Just simplify your grocery shopping and cooking habits. Maybe plan Spontaneous Saturday where you make something new.

Once these things are scheduled and routine, you no longer have to figure out whether or not you’re going to do them. It is already decided. This keeps your kids calm, too. We prefer familiarity—it makes us comfortable. This preference is called the mere-exposure effect in psychology. When things are routine and familiar, our stress lowers. Predictability makes it less likely for you or your kid to fly off the handle.

Review Your Time

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By our nature, humans think things take them way less time than they actually do. We say we will be ready in ten minutes but we’re nowhere to be seen for twenty. If you cannot see it in yourself, you surely have a sister, husband, or child who does this.

Try to take note of how you’re actually using your time. Download Moment or QualityTime on your phone and see how much time you spend staring at your phone. Though you feel like you aren’t on your phone often, a few minutes every hour adds up quickly. Delete apps that suck up time.

Use a timer for a day or two. How long do you actually take to get stuff done?

Make a list of how you want to use your time. Make a list of how you use your time. Compare the two and adjust.

Arguing with your kids is another article, but figure out whether you care about the argument of are still defending your time on principle.

I had to delete Facebook, Facebook messenger, and Pinterest off of my phone. I also had to cut way down on streaming 30 Rock from my phone.

I don’t think all “mindless” time is bad. I still do love watching my shows and I give myself time to do it. I just try to do it less.

Plan Your Days

This could maybe go under routine, but deserves a second category because not all plans are routines and routines don’t take up our whole day.

Figure out what you’re going to do each day. A lot of people feel like the best way to do this is to make a goals list the night before. That way, when you wake up in the morning, you already know what you have to do. I’ve heard of people planning their day down to the half hour.

I am pretty relaxed in comparison. I jot down all of the non-routine things I want to do for the day on a little notepad. I don’t write “make dinner” because of course I am going to make dinner. Things like sweep floors, work on Mark’s project, respond to best friend’s messages are listed. I don’t schedule times for them but maybe you should. Think about your own preferences, how well you go-with-the-flow.

This also helps offload the cognitive burden of remembering things. The less things swirling around in your head, the more present you can be. Maybe you can remember everything you have to do today. But why would you when you don’t have to?

Sleep

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Do you know what gives you more time in the day? Sleeping more. Using time to gain time seems counter-intuitive but in this particular case, it is true. Being under-rested takes up a huge amount of your time (and obviously, energy).

Losing just two hours of sleep nightly hinders your thinking and memory. It also makes you more likely to get into a car accident (and I’m guessing, many other kinds, like dropping-the-jar-and-having-to-clean-up-the-mess-accidents). You take longer to heal from illness and injury. Your will power is depleted. You gain weight. You give in when you should have held your ground.

Being sleep deprived makes you unable to tell that you’re sleep deprived. You’re kidding yourself if you think you’re doing well on 5 hours of sleep—something unhealthy has become your normal.

What does getting enough sleep look like?

For me and my 6-month-old who co-sleeps and breastfeeds on demand, getting enough sleep means getting in bed at least 10 hours before I expect to wake up. If we are sick, teething, or going through a developmental milestone, 12 hours.

Objections

Q: I am a free spirit. I don’t want to schedule everything!

Do you know the part about being a free spirit that sucks? Being emotionally volatile. If your spirit is caged by having a plan at 3 p.m. on Saturdays, how free is it?

Q: I’ve tried building routines but they just keep falling apart.

On average, it takes 66 days to develop a new habit. That means it stops being so hard after about 2 months. How long have you tried?

If you have given it your all, consider who you are trying to build schedules and routines with. Maybe those people you deeply care for are better spur-of-the-moment friends.

Q: My kids will be bored always doing the same things.

My answer to this is twofold. First: What is wrong with boredom? Boredom can trigger very imaginative play.

My second answer is that they won’t be. Even if you scheduled most of your time, if that schedule includes a good deal of unstructured, free time—at home day, Free Forest School day, day at the park– your child is going to get a huge amount of variety. Just as your kid enjoys hearing the same story, so they will enjoy going to the same places. Life has a huge amount of variety on offer without us having to go out of the way to create it.

Please like and share this post.

What objections popped up in your mind while reading this? Please leave a comment. I would love to help you jump over that hurdle.

Attention Isn’t a Reward

Connection

I don’t even know if I have the capacity for normal emotions or not because I haven’t cried for a long time. You just stifle them for so long that maybe you lose them, partially at least.”

That is a punch to the gut for anyone who feels like they have to hide their emotions or “true self.” Science continues to affirm that concealing your emotions is destructive. Dismissing our feelings makes us less able to maintain our sense of well-being. Our inner, ignored swamps create a distance between us and those we love.

Time does not heal all wounds; connection does. When someone you care for struggles with their feelings, you reach out a helping hand. Sometimes pain comes in the form of destructive behavior—as a society, we recognize this. We acknowledge that addiction indicates alienation and that the most aggressive among us are hurting.
So why do we admonish people for giving their children attention when they are having a hard time?

What are Rewards?

You shouldn’t reward behavior like that.”

If you pay attention to him, he will just keep doing it.”

Paying attention to someone isn’t a reward. Loving someone isn’t a reward. Love is an automatic reaction. We should not pretend to turn it on and off as a means to manipulate.

Are you a good person or bad person for feeling sad?

Are you an upright citizen or dreg for feeling anxious?

Does your regret make you admirable or awful?

These are of course ridiculous questions.

Rewards are something that you get for doing something good. Punishments are for doing something bad. Emotions are not on a moral spectrum.
Labeling feelings as negative or positive is destructive. Learning to accept a wide range of emotions contributes to our ability to self-regulate, an important life skill which you are teaching your child how to do (or not to do) now. When your child makes bids for your attention, that is an opportunity for you to coach them through their feelings.

Attention

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It is easy for us to forget in today’s society what attention actually is. It is even easier to forget as adults because we feel and believe that we “take care of ourselves.”

Attention is our lifeline. Without the attention of others—in our evolutionary past and today—we either die or simply survive. In harsh environments, ostracism is used as an extreme punishment because we are social mammals; being ignored by your community is a threat of death and not an idle one.

Our attention and love are not rewards for our children. Once we recognize belonging as a fundamental human need, we can let go of the fear that we are rationing it incorrectly. You wouldn’t take away air, water, or food from your child as a punishment for their bad behavior. You shouldn’t take away your love.

Wanting attention is a legitimate need. If you find yourself thinking that the desire for attention is something that needs to be fixed in yourself, reflect on this belief, where you got it, and how to fix it. As trendy as pathologizing basic human desires and behaviors is, your family will benefit if you resist the urge.

Overwhelm

In the name of authenticity, we should admit that we want to show our love for our children when they break down. Breaking down can be palatable—the shuddering of shoulders, the “blue zone” that Dr. Siegel talks about where our children clam up and avoid eye contact. Or it can be the dreaded “red zone—the tantrum, yelling, crying, screaming that everyone seems to think they will be able to avoid because they will parent right.

Both of these are normal human reactions to being overwhelmed. Children feel overcome with emotion more often and more easily and have outbursts to match.

What should you do when your child is having a tantrum? You don’t need to tell them that their behavior is great. You certainly don’t need to actually reward the behavior with ice cream and toys. You don’t need to help them quickly get over the emotion. Stop harmful and destructive behavior (physically, if you need to), and just be with them. You don’t want to be alone in your tough emotions. Neither do they.

All behavior is communication. Sometimes that behavior is communicating, “I need your help to stop. I feel out of control.”

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The Quote

The quote at the top was made by a really famous guy. Jeffrey Dahmer.
I’m not saying that your child is going to cannibalize people if you ignore their emotions. They could grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted adults. They may learn how to regulate their emotions.
You are your child’s emotional coach. What are you teaching them?

Please share this post if you enjoyed it! Comment below: How do you handle your children’s tough emotions?

Valuing Your Time

Valuing Your Time: SAHM Edition

There’s a trick in the business world moms would benefit from using: learning how to value our time.
I mean putting an actual dollar amount on your time.
Why?
So you can look at that number and know what is worth doing. You will find a lot of tasks are better to outsource it or not do at all.
We all value our time. We have a dollar amount that we’re willing to work for. If someone offered you $2 to sweep a floor, you would say no. If they offered you $2,000, you would immediately say yes.
Motherhood is not a job. We illustrating how to think about our time, not how to think about motherhood.

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The Math

Let’s look at the numbers.
Estimates for how much a stay-at-home mother would make vary widely, but they’re all pretty high. The first one that pops up on Google places a stay-at-home mom at $162,581 a year. This includes all of the jobs that she does: house cleaning, child care, dietitian, groundskeeper.

Judge and plumber.

Hours

This was specifically what I argued against in my article. But there ae many areas where mothers can learn from the business world. Leadershipis one. Valuing our time is another.

So, how much doesan average stay-at-home-mom work?

Most estimates put the workload at about 97hrs/week, meaning that she works about 5,044hrs/year. $162,581 / 5044 gives us about $32/hr.

Is this number accurate for everyone? No. I don’t know who it’s accurate for. But let’s use it to demonstrate.

Outsourcing

One thing that this could mean is that it’s worth it for you to outsource some of your housework. If somebody is willing to come by for an hour a day at $10 an hour, that saves you money.

It could mean that waiting half an hour in line for a gift card doesn’t make sense. It could mean that cutting coupons doesn’t make sense. It could mean that it makes more sense for Instacart to get your groceries.

All of those are directly financially related. A lot of families, my own included, can not outsource all of this work. That’s fine. It does not detract from the usefulness of this calculation.

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Other Uses

One of the things that this calculation should inform you of is whether or not you should go back to work. How much is that going to pay? Is it worth more than what you are donating to your family?
It could mean that you divvy out your social time differently. If you are trying to decide whether or not to spend time with your mother-in-law, think:
Would I be happy to pay somebody more than $32/hr to do this for me?
If the answer is yes, maybe send her a $60 gift instead to show you are thinking of her.
Would I pay more than $32 an hour to avoid the fight not visiting her would cause?
The math gets tricky.
This number isn’t set in stone, and in reality, we value our hours different. The purpose is just to start giving you a rough idea of how to think of your time. If you feel too busy, there are a few things causing that.
One of them is not getting into the flow of habits.
But the other one is wasting your time and not focusing on the things that you really value.
Maybe you value your time at $50 an hour. Maybe you value at $10 an hour. Whatever it is, decide a number. Decision making will become easier, especially at the margins.

Mom Guilt vs. Mom Shame

Mom Guilt vs. Mom Shame

Mom guilt is a basic mom emotion, because guilt is a basic human emotion.

While unpleasant, it provides an important social and psychological function. It motivates us to behave differently than we have.

Shame, on the other hand, is a destructive emotion.

Brene Brown, a pre-eminent shame scholar and famous TED-talker, says that while guilt creates psyhcological discomfort, shame makes us feel fundamentally unlovable.

Motivation to Change

These are two wildly different things.

Mom guilt would be a feeling that tells us we aren’t behaving in line with our values, and it would nudge us in the right direction.

Mom shame motivates us to hide our behavior, not to change it. Since we become morally bad by our actions, it is important not to let people know. We cannot do without having other’s approval.

Mom shame is what most women are feeling, not mom guilt.

Or maybe something else entirely.

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Why do I think so?

Because mothers are largely doing the same things day in and day out. They aren’t feeling motivated to improve. Their conscious is not leading them.

Shame is a toxic emotion. We need to banish mom shame, and encourage mom guilt. Mom guilt would be when we feel discomfort because we have done something that we should not doing.

Mom shame about spending time away from your children would be ridiculous. It’s normal and natural in the context of a community, and spending time away from your childrenespecially young babies and toddlerscould help them with stress inoculation.

This would be useless shame. Not only do you likely have to spend time aware from your children, but it is neutral to helpful for your children. When you do it, you feel morally bad and alone, and you can’t change it. That is toxic.

Mom guilt is when you give your children food that you know isn’t good for them.

People are judging you for it.

And they should be.

The reason that you feel bad is because you are doing something that is against your core values.

Leveraging Mom Guilt

Does that mean that you cannot give your kid chicken nuggets every once in awhile?

No.

It just means that you need to be mindful, and realize that the emotions you’re are communicating to you.

I’m proposing that we want more mom guilt in our life. How can we get more?

Two things:

  1. Clearly laying out our priorities. When we know what we value, and in what order we value it, it is much easier to make decisions and much harder to feel guilty. “I value my children’s health enough to always have healthy food in the house, but do not believe that snacks will harm them. We can have snacks when we travel or are at a friend’s house.”

With this clearly laid out, I can feel bad when I bring some cookies into the house, and good when we eat a pie at Grandma’s. There won’t be low-level shame running through each day.

  1. Surrounding ourselves with people who share those priorities. Willpower doesn’t work. Changing your environment works. The people and things around you are what motivate you to do the things that you do. Call it triggers or associations, for better or worse, this is what ultimately dictates most of your decisions. Whatever your environment is geared towards will become your autopilot.

    People are a key part of that environment. If everyone around you is upholding the same values as you, you will feel deep, social mom guilt when you do not follow through—and the good news is that following through will be easier.

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Emotions Communicate

As our children grow, we want them to know that not all uncomfortable or negative emotions are bad. We don’t want them to run away from sadness or anger. We want them to rest comfortably in the fact that emotions are trying to alert them to some truth about themselves, the world, and how those two are interacting.

We want the same thing for ourselves.

Guilt does not need to be run away from. It needs to be acknowledged, and it needs to be dealt with. By forcing more mom guilt into our lives and forcing out the mom shame, we can let go of this low-level nag and move into action.

Babywearing

Babywearing is extremely important in my life. It was a crucial part of my parenting philosophy going in. I put a heavy emphasis on independent play, but babies are young. They need you. They don’t like to have time alone.

Babywearing is what has allowed me to do what I want to do with my child in tow.

Stranger Danger

It has been amazing to watch Zander reach developmental milestones. The first time he grabbed something, the first time he propped himself up on his arms, the first time he smiled.

He has recently hit another milestone: a bit of stranger danger. He knows who he knows and who he doesn’t. He knows he is separate from me. He understands that he can be left alone—he does not care for it.

Carrying has become more important than ever. Only a few weeks ago, I could see him across the room from me, and he would be happy to maybe see me. Maybe hear my voice.

He no longer accepts these crumbs. He wants all of the mommy, all of the time.

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Frustration

While this can be overwhelming for people, I believe that a lot of the discomfort of it comes from trying to accomplish tasks while leaving your baby alone. When I have tried to approach things this way, I can feel myself getting frustrated.

Not at my child, but at the situation.

There is something that I want to do, or need to do, that I cannot get done.

I firmly believe that my son is the number one thing I need take care of.

But, can I breathe?

“Attachment” Parenting

All of this frustration completely evaporates away when I wear him. This frees my hands to accomplish almost anything.

I want to make this clear: I don’t believe babywearing his how you create a secure attachment. The science doesn’t support it. You don’t need to practice the 7 B’s of Dr. Sears Attachment Parenting–birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bed sharing, beware baby trainers, read baby’s cues, set boundaries—to create a secure attachment in your baby.

I practice all of those 7 B’s. Only one of them is necessary: Responding sensitively and consistently to baby’s cues.

This is the only thing that can create a secure attachment.

If you breastfeed but never lock eyes and smile at her;

if you bed share but ignore her cry,

then your child will have difficulty creating a secure attachment.

If you bottle feed but engage your child,

look when she is pointing,

and mirror her emotions,

you are in a better place to create a secure attachment than a breastfeeding mother who is not present.

Why Babywearing?

I put forward babywearing as a practical way to get your child’s needs met. That’s our job as parents. There physical needs, emotional needs, and social needs.

After that, they should absorb our world. Their lives revolve around ours, not the other way around.

Children follow adults, not the other way around.

To this end, I wear my baby. I have walks to take, cooking to do, books to write, and floors to clean.

If I left Zander by himself on the bed, he would complain.

Understandably.

I would need to then drop what I was doing, and respond to him.

This takes you out of the state of flow. It makes the day feel broken up and more difficult.

Safety

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There are babywearing precautions that you should take. You should be trying to do exercises that strengthen your back and correct your alignment.

There are a few simple exercises for this. Do wall angles, pelvic tilts, and ragdoll pose regularly. Do TA contractions muscles before and after putting on baby.

Check here for more tips.

Even if you do not decide to baby wear, these basic exercises will still be helpful for your postpartum body. Breastfeeding mothers, in particular, will benefit. None of them are serious workouts. I’ve also attached the beginning of the series on alignment that you can look at.

For more on posture alignment, watch this video series.

I use the Ergo 360 and a Hip Baby woven wrap.

 and Tell me how you feel about babywearing!

What carrier or wrap do you use? Do you have any tips about babywearing or fitness for mothers?

What is one exercise for alignment you can dedicate yourself to doing once a week?